Postpartum Depression – My Experience

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post partum depressionWhen the world is soaking in the warmth of love and passion on this Valentine’s day , I have something to share with you ALL.  A candid one ? Yeah and NO , but I ought to share it with you ALL . It’s just that I was a prey for postpartum depression.

As every other mom to be , I was all excited to receive my baby , though I suffered terrible mood swings,sleeplessness and irritability (thanks to my hormones) during my pregnancy phase. I entered the labor room as if I was supposed to win a war 😛 . But the 12-13 hours of labor pain, contractions , the smell of medicines , doctors , nurses , frequent BP checks I grew more and more tired.

Now you won’t believe this . When the doctor showed me my baby , I wasn’t excited , I didn’t cry like ‘ its my baby I had been waiting for 9 long months’.. I was not thrilled AT ALL; amazing isn’t ? I just saw my baby and told my doctor “Hmmm..  “.

My gyno was puzzled , she asked me “Sangeetha aren’t you happy ? “. I remember telling her “Yeah I am yeah oh yeah..hmmm..aahh.. it’s just that I am tired.. ” and then I slipped off to a mild sleep.

It was just then a nurse came in and asked me to walk . Oh man how could I walk , but I felt confident I walked easily and reached my bed. Anshika was being dressed up while I started feeling guilty , I always wanted an angel, a daughter but when our daughter was born, all my feelings disappeared it seemed !

The nurse gave my baby , I fed her and I looked at her small doe eyes, tiny hands and feet which reminded me of a bunch of small bananas stacked together. I touched her rose delicate smooth skin. I was transferred to my room and there started my saga of emotions.

My hubby was not there at the time of delivery and I was missing him terribly. I grew impatient, moody, irritable. I was crying and feeling low , somewhere deep down you feel you have lost something. The constant feeding , crying , feeding, pooping, crying marathon went on and on. I cried helpless, I seriously didn’t know I was being a prey for post natal depression though my parents, inlaws and cousins were there around to help me.

When my hubby came to see me hours later , all I did was hug and ask him “Take me back with you , let’s go to Mumbai “. I still remember the dialogues between us , he told me “so how about our baby , our angel , don’t you want her ? We will take her too with us back to Mumbai “. You won’t believe what I told him “No let the baby be here . It’s just crying-pooping-sleeping-again-crying-feeding-pooping , let’s go back , take me back please ,  I want to run ” 😛 . My hubby laughed a lot, little did he knew that I had post natal depression meanwhile I cried and was feeling low all for no reason.

1-2 weeks passed by , the mother daughter bonding started and now If I look back at what ever I told at that point of time I feel “errrks , was it really me, so childlike ” !! The baby blues left me within 2 weeks and I grew more and more closer to my daughter , I realized how blessed I am to be a mother , to be a medium for bringing a life see this world.

Post 6 months of baby , I read a lot about pregnancy, baby and motherhood as part of my blog preparations . Then the whole matter of postpartum depression came into light for me, I never knew it existed , Oh god I had postpartum depression , I went through the baby blues , Gosh..

I discussed this with my friends and one of them has blackmailed me that she would share all the dialogues I had with my hubby during that phase to my daughter when she grows up. Yes when Anshika grows up and reaches that phase, I will tell her what I went through and how I acted funny when she was born. I will share my experience of postpartum depression with her.

  • What is Postpartum depression / Postnatal depression ?

According to experts and medical science about 80% of women experience postpartum depression soon after having baby which could last up to 2-3 weeks. It goes away on its own. The mother-child bonding starts from within and the baby blues fade away with time.

Women who suffered miscarriage/s often go through postnatal depression.

  • What are the symptoms of Postnatal depression / anxiety ?

Sadness, sleeplessness, mood swings , crying for no reason , feeling low with negative thoughts , anxiety and irritability are all symptoms of postnatal depression.

  • How can I overcome postnatal depression ?

Well as I said , postnatal depression or postpartum depression goes away on its own. When you have elders or help around you to help with your baby and to support you , the recovery becomes pretty much easier. Have plenty of mee mee time whenever you can , love yourself, be positive and take good care of yourself 🙂

Usually counselling is found to be much effective in severe cases.

How about you ? Did you have that initial bonding between you and your child ? Please share with me.

About Author

Sangeetha is the owner of Bumps n Baby and a super cool mom of a 4 year old princess. Her life revolves around laptop and kitchen these days as she is mastering the art of multi-tasking.

19 Comments

  1. I am very surprised to read this blog because I too went into depression but I had reasons behind it and was expecting similar experience here.
    I had to undergo C-section which I never wanted, this led me into depression post delivery. I had beautiful pregnancy with no complication ever, so had a belief that my childbirth experience would also be similar and natural. I was cursing doctor as I was insisting on normal vaginal birth and couldn’t believe on the reasons he gave me for C-section, seeing the trend that C sections are becoming so popular these days. Following entire day I couldn’t see my baby because of stitches when I so wanted to hug my baby, even breastfeeding was so difficult and painful for initial few days. And the mark that remain forever in the body. So I am amazed to know one can go into depression even after natural birth, may be the hormones play.

  2. Lol!!

    When i remember the first day… the day of birth i feel so kiddish… i was angry and sad at the same time because no one showed me the baby but all were just wishing me but no photo or even the baby was brought to me (they say i was showed but i dont remember!!).. i had undergone CS (that is a totally different story … sigh!!).. but i never went under totally anesthesia … i cudnt feel pain but i didnt drift totally to sleep… i complained to mom and nurse that no one showed me the baby but all saying he is cute and this and that…LOL!!

    later due to some family issues i went into depression for sometime and fought with everyone… during some function… and became well after i spent time only looking after son…

  3. Pingback: My Life as a Preemie Parent -Bumps n Baby

  4. Hi

    From what I understand, about 80% of new moms experience some sort of emotional vulnerability.Even I did,after giving birth to my lil boy. But, this is just baby blues (completely normal, goes away on its own and does not require medical attention),where as the postpartum depression is way more serious.

    If the baby blues persists for weeks or get worse,that is when you need to consider the possibility of PPD. Though PPD and baby blues share several symptoms like mood swings,crying jags,irritability,difficulty to sleep etc, it can go to the extent of suicidal thoughts and even harming the baby in the case of PPD.

    Sharing about my experience – I understood the true meaning of exhaustion after the long hours of labor and when the nurse finally handed over the baby for his first feed, all I wanted was to finish it off in a few minutes. But alas, my nurse wanted the baby to take the lead.So, instead of chucking the ‘thing’ into his mouth, bub was laid on my bare chest and i had to wait for him to start feeding (atleast, trying) on his own. I should admit, its really amusing to see how the bub slowly explores and gets to the exact spot without any help. Well, finally the nurse gave me a hand in latching the baby(we were both inexperienced ;), so couldn’t get the hang of it).

    For me, the feeding session looked like never ending and all i wanted was the baby to be taken away from me. I was so damn tired and had to plead my hubby(who was also there in the labor room) to hold the baby, so that i could sleep at least for a few minutes.The following days were even worse. I couldn’t latch the baby properly and he was screaming his lungs out. I had to get help to feed the baby and ended up feeling that I was never meant to be a mother. I was throwing tantrums,crying and was a complete wreck.

    Thankfully, it didnt stay for long and i started enjoying the company of my lil man and my bub who is now 6 months old is my best buddy. 🙂

    thanks

  5. I suffered severely. My mom left to India when Yug was 7 days old, and I was left all alone. Yug was very cranky crying all night, demanding me to lift him throughout. I used to curse my decision to get pregnant. Everything was new to me, and had no one to ask to. I get nervous when he cries and at times impatient. When he sleeps, I look at him and cry for having a baby like this. I used to think how easy my life was earlier, roaming all day without any restrictions. Now life is centred around this 3.5 kg 24 hrs…NO…..Little did I know that it was post partum depression. Looking back, I hate myself for thinking like that about my little bundle of joy who is my world now. I love him more than anything else in this world.

  6. I know! It is not easy to bond after a 14-15hrs of labour and the continuous cycle of feeding – cleaning – sleep. It takes time, a whole lot of patience from everyone… However *prepared* we are, it is never really enough…and it is always unexpected.

  7. Yup, I too went through a terrible PND phase after both my deliveries. The first one later I went completely whack. I fought with my mom, behaved like a silly person, hurt everyone with sarcastic comments… but no one including me understood what i was going through.

    The second time around, i was prepared to expect PND. it helped, because when i was feeling depressed, i would ask for some time alone to collect ,y thoughts. It helped that others would look after the baby for a while and let me have some time out even if it was for twenty minutes a day.

    Those things helped 🙂

  8. Hi Sangee,
    Very honestly I was ashamed to even share such feelings which were brewing inside me. I kept on thinking about all my friends who were either enjoying their spinsterhood or were still in their Honeymoon world. Though, I didn’t go into much of a depression cell but yes I did have a low period off and on. But now I know that many 1st timer moms have gone through this phase and have also overcome eventually. Currently, I am enjoying my motherhood and also steal the ME-ME time and ME-YOU (Hubby) time…. 🙂

  9. Hi,
    When i am reading this post.I really felt like i am reading mine.
    It really happened to me.even i sufferred with this post natal depression.

    I am blessed with angel,with all the support from parents,inlaws,siblings..i will still crying.

    I really wondered why was it happening to me.I was happy but not happy again.

    Even i cried holding my hubby,that i want to come back to our house and i dont want to go through this phase.But i was fine after 3 -4 weeks.

    Nice to read that it happend to other mom’s like me.

    Thanks for the post

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